Change is, even when not desired, inevitable. 

If you know me, you know that I am an avid supporter of Lance in his cycling and the work he does in the cancer arena.  Since 2002 I have volunteered with the LAF in a variety of ways, both publicly and quietly in my life.  I keep a supply of wristbands to hand out to those who need or want them, direct survivors and their families/friends/caregivers to the LAF for support and resources, have given talks on survivorship and the LAF, and so forth.    Not only has my money gone to the LAF but much of my time and energy over the years. 

If you know me, you know the inspiration and support I felt from Lance and the LAF during my cancer experience and the dark time of resultant physical, spiritual, emotional and financial fallout from that experience.  Truly I do not know where I would be if it had not been for that support.

Today Dave and I rode the Austin LiveSTRONG Challenge, Dave’s second and my fifth.  I first rode the event in 2002, following my cancer diagnosis in 2001.  Back then it was called The Ride for the Roses. 

Over the years I have ridden this event with Dave, with others by my side and on my own.

Years 2002 through 2005 were magical, inspirational, and powerful.  The logistics of the events in those days were well planned and executed.  The events themselves had spirit and substance.  The expos held on Friday and Saturday in conjunction with rider packet pick-up were vibrant, jammed-packed with vendors of various natures.  I have spent hours at expos in past years.

There have been bands at the ride start in the past, along with speakers like Bob Roll and Robin Williams (who kept those of us waiting for our stage to start absolutely in stitches).  One year Lance simply read the LAF Manifesto to the crowd of 7000+ in the early morning stillness.  Magical.

I was fortunate to have participated in the rides those years.  They were indeed special.

Change is inevitable and organizations grow and perhaps change their focus.  Unfortunately, sometimes that growth comes at the sacrifice of qualities that were at the very core of the organization. 

Dave and I both commented that this year’s expo was lackluster in comparison with those in the past.  Apparently we were not the only ones; I overhead a woman comment “They’ve really turned this into a business” as she and her party were leaving the expo hall.  Very few vendors were to be seen and those that were in evidence had little to offer.  There were only one or two booths specifically aimed to the survivorship level.  I did not notice LAF booths where one could pick up informational material; I distinctly remember picking up an LAF annual report at a previous expo.  There was nothing like this to be seen.  We were in and out in a little over half an hour. 

Hmmm….

Today’s ride attendance is reported to have been 3200.  That is less than half of the numbers from previous years; other rides were easily 7000+.

Fewer numbers, less collective energy.

Today’s event parking was a shambles.  There was no one to guide us to parking.  In the early morning darkness, we followed other cars into what turned out to be a small business parking lot.  Luckily we were able to squeeze the truck into a spot with the help and patience of the riders parked around us.  Why was no one on duty to direct parking to a big lot nearby (which we could see when it became light)?  At the previous venue there was plenty of easily accessible parking and loads of folks very expertly directing traffic.

The ride was held in Dripping Springs, south of Austin, as opposed to east of Austin starting from the Exposition Center off 290 East.  Why the change in venue?  Because Lance has a ranch in Dripping Springs?  We camped nearby; however, for folks staying in Austin it was quite a drive to the event.

This leads us to the routes.  Many people commented, including Dave (who is extremely fit) that the routes seemed poorly chosen for recreational cyclists.  This area is much more challenging with steeper elevations, cattle guards, low-water crossings, etc.  Fine if one is a kick-ass rider like Lance, but what about the rest of us that are much less accomplished riders? 

What about the riders just out of chemo that one saw in past years?  What about the kids being towed in carts, handkerchiefs or hats covering the bald heads, blankets around them to keep them cozy in the early morning chill?  What about the folks perhaps not really fit at all but riding because of a lost loved one?

The routes on this year’s ride certainly seemed to not take these people into consideration.

What a remarkable and giving act it would have been if Lance had ridden the 20 or 10-mile routes with those folks.  Sure, he rode the 90 miles in an impressive time and yes, I guess many of those on that route were the top fundraisers.  But what about the little guy on his bike with the "In Memory" sign of a mother/sister/friend?  Or the older grandmother-looking lady toodling along with a similar sign?  Can you imagine how much it would have meant to them, perhaps brought comfort to them, to have Lance cruise up and say "Good morning" or to pass a rider with a yellow "Survivor" sign on and say "Hey, way to go!"?   

Did we just miss it or was there no national anthem played beforehand?  In prior years there would be a band or a solo artist performing this.  Was there no welcome speech by Lance this year?   Perhaps we were just so far back in the start group we could not hear/understand the words being spoken.

The post-ride party area was much smaller (okay, fewer riders so I understand that) and almost claustrophobic.  I missed the open feel of prior events…the fields, the big stage were bands would be playing.  There was a stage set up but no performers, just someone touting the benefits of FRS, an energy supplement endorsed by Lance.  There did not seem to be people mingling and the vendor booths were the same as at the expo.

This LAF ride could have been any charity ride, and some of those others have been better executed, in our opinion.

There was one memory that will be with me from today’s ride, one that is characteristic of so many memories I have from the years of the Ride for the Roses.  On starting out, there was a woman on the sidelines taking photographs.  She was wearing a kerchief over her bald head, obviously a recent recipient of chemo.  Our eyes met and I gave her a thumbs-up and fist in the air in defiance of the beast we call cancer.  She smiled, nodded and returned the thumbs-up.  Strangers in passing, sisters in survivorship.  No words were exchanged between us, but we knew what we were saying to one another.  This is the spirit of the Ride for the Roses that I remember. 

Today I was feeling the loss of my beloved cousin Karen so much it was painful.  The absence of her presence in this world is at times unbearable.

To my darling Scotsman, thank you for being with me today and for understanding when the emotions from losing our Karen got the better of me during the post-ride hours. 

To my girlfriend Melanie, thank you for your text and your spirit today.  Your message of encouragement and support early this morning was what I needed.  Today was for you, too, baby.  You are an amazing, strong and beautiful woman and I am proud to call you “girlfriend.”

Change is inevitable.  Sometimes growth is at the expense of the core qualities and attributes that are shed as a result of that growth.   To me and others with whom I have visited it seems the LAF is becoming less targeted at survivorship support and more of a politically-based vehicle.  Wasn’t the original concept to support survivors living with, through and beyond cancer?  There is the opinion that the organization is spreading itself too thin these days and that the original focus has been blurred. 

It is my hope that the LAF has only gone global and that it has not “gone Hollywood.”

 

If we live long enough, we will lose someone.  I’m talking about losing someone to death, the loss when another soul departs this Earth.

If you’re reading this, you have lost someone, sometime.  It happens.

What do you do?  Most people grieve, rage at the Universe perhaps, and finally, hopefully, be able to remember the departed with fondness.  One learns this is the Cycle of Life and one moves on…always remembering the person who is no longer with us, but still…moving on with Life.

What about the other folks?  The ones who cannot get past that first stage of mourning, of loss, of emptiness, of dependence on the one gone, of weaving the departed one into the fabric of their own life through constant talking of them and not being able to recalibrate their own existence…instead basing their world on the soul departed.

Yes, I know we all deal with loss in our own way.  I’m not saying what is right for one person is right for another in this process.

Still, it seems such a waste of existence to be so wrapped up in, so still-clinging to, one who has been dead for a number of years.  Seems like the person still here is missing so much of the vibrancy, the texture, the colors, the realization of a full life for themselves.  Do all their friends tolerate or enjoy the constant referencing of everything to the deceased?  Does it become tiresome to them and perhaps distressing if they have recently lost someone themselves?

Does this result in a rather morose and depressed individual?  Someone who is insecure in their own right, unable to make their own way in the world, unable to even hold down a job?

I would imagine this occurs in varying degrees.  Perhaps the person can perform on a basic functional level and appear to have gotten past the loss and yet still be mourning on an internal level.  We all hear about the remaining partner dying not long after their spouse after a long-term marriage. 

If someone through the course of an 8-hour day mentions the departed at least once every hour and expresses their own existence in relation to the departed…can this be healthy?  This lamenter comes across as being sorrowfully depressed and, quite frankly, the listener can eventually feel bombarded and pummeled by so much negative energy; too much of “poor little me.”

Do we not owe the memory of the departed the honor of living a full life?  If one believes in an everlasting spirit of the departed, do we not owe them the right to be free?  By not keeping their spirit so close to us that it is restricting them from moving on to being fully at rest in the Hereafter?

Step outside your own sorrow.  If not for yourself but for your love of the departed, let them be free.

Let go.

Perhaps my viewpoint comes from being a strong person.  Oh yes, I have experienced losses.  I have mourned, cried, raged, lost my faith and reclaimed it, known that life would never be the same without the person and, yet, stumbled on through the haze, the fog, the sorrow…coming out on the other side knowing Birth, Life and Death are all part of our journey on this earthly plane.   

Is it a spiritual faith that allows one to come to terms with loss?  Is it being tough-skinned?  Is it being a survivor?  Is it being a Warrior?  Is it just being human?

I certainly do not profess to have the answers.  I feel for those who cannot let go, who yet cling to the departed.  My personal history causes me to feel some impatience with these people for allowing so many of the joys of each day flutter by without reaching out and grasping some happiness for themselves, clinging to that happiness as tightly as they cling to the memory of their lost ones. 

Each day is a gift, not to be squandered.  I have recently lost my beloved Karen.  I miss her more than I can express; however, the pain eases just a bit each day.  I can call her memory up now and not be sorrowful but smile instead.  She was so full of life, laughter and faith and we shared so much of that….I carry on now in a joyful life, laughter in my home and heart, and my faith restored.  I like to think she watches over me…that she is by my side when I need strength…that she gets a silly laugh when I do something goofy.  I still talk to her…when I hear the chirp of a tree frog in the evenings I say, "Hiya cuz, whatcha into?  What’s happenin’?  I’m doing good.  See ya!"   Feel her presence?  Yes, definitely, but not as often as during the days immediately following her death.  Letting go; letting her go.  Instead of clinging, I try to honor her memory by living the way I did before she left, as I know she would want, and as I must…for each day I am here are a few more additional hours I have been blessed with since that day in 2001 when I met my own mortality.  I consider every day since that time to be “overtime,” to just be time I have been given as a bonus, an extension until my own “expiration date” comes up on the calendar of Life.

Should we not be at peace, loving, laughing and living to our fullest as we walk this Earth? 

 

After work this past Sunday we drove out to and around Lake Travis.  Not a pretty sight.  Where once was a vibrant, shimmering lake surrounded by majestic cliffs…well, I bet you could walk clear across the width of the lake area from one shore to the other in some places.  So many boat docks on the ground and so much ground showing.  Lots of “waterfront” properties with for sale signs out by the road. 

In case you haven’t heard, we’re in severe drought here in this part of the Lone Star State.  The lack of rainfall is being compounded by the fact that we have had 60+ days of temperatures over the 100-degree mark since June.  Ouch. 

This summer in Texas is a prime example of why I eventually wanted to be able to head north during the middle months of the year.

 

 

                                                                               

 

On the other hand, we’re having some very nice skies in the evenings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here it is Sunday, August 9, 2009, the day following the time trials.  Yesterday was a long, but fun, day.

Dave’s start time was posted as 10:45:30 AM, so we were up at 4:30 AM in order to get ready and make the 2+ hour drive to Castroville.  This would give Dave almost two hours there before his actual start. 

Four-thirty in the morning sure comes early, especially for a day off!  We were both up no bother, me waking up, getting a light bite to eat and preparing to be the driver/support vehicle/photographer for the day.  Easy for me…Dave was the one preparing and downing pasta at such an early hour.  Oh my!

We made our goal of leaving the house by 6:30ish AM and made good time until San Antonio, where we ran into construction delays and narrowing of the freeway down to one lane from three.  One would think that early in the morning there would not be much traffic, but try getting three lanes into one….yeah, right.

Once past that, we were cruising down the highway again through the rest of San Antonio and then heading west on Highway 90 to Castroville.  Castroville is a nice, kinda sleepy, little town with shady parks, shops, B&Bs, cafes, and the like.  We had been down there last week on a recon mission for this day, driving and then Dave riding the course followed by a nice lunch at the Castroville Cafe.

On arriving, I was pleased to see that parking “Big Boy” would not be a problem.  I have to say, I had some reservations about the organization of the event this year; however, the entire event and day were well planned.  Plenty of easy parking was available.  We selected a spot and Dave set about to the task of readying his bike with last minute tweaking, etc.  Once ready and changed into race gear, he went off for a wee warm-up ride.  About 20 minutes later he was back and it was time to think about heading to the start area.  He took off on the bike and I followed in the truck after being told that there was indeed spectator parking allowed at the start area.

YAY!

After I had parked at the start, I enjoyed taking some photos and just soaking up the atmosphere of bikes, bikes, bikes everywhere!  This, of course, with keeping an eye on the time and an eye out for Dave.  The event had a for-real start house this year…way cool!…just like at the Tour de France.  Nice touch!  Very thoughtful to have canopies set up for the riders waiting in line so they would have some shade.  Having picked out a good vantage point, I was able to capture a video of Dave taking off on the course.

The videos I shot can be seen at http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=4741977346

Once he was out of sight, I trekked back to the truck and intended on sitting listening to music, chillin’ out.  Well, after about five minutes I knew there  had to be another way to kill the hour until he would be finishing.  It was too freakin’ hot to just be in the sun, etc.  So “Big Boy” and I went into town to one of the quiet shady parks on a square.  I spent some time wandering the quaint shops, took some photos, munched an oatmeal cookie and by that time it was time to head back to the race!

Timed it just right to get a better parking spot and get positioned at the finish to again capture some video of Dave crossing the line

::: Z  O  O  M :::: 

He was mega-hot, even with cooling down on the bike a bit, so I made sure he had water bottles at the ready and got him, the bike, and his gear into the truck and a/c as soon as we could.  Back at the parking area, some results were posted but his group would not be up for a while.  We made the decision to head back home.

Gotta tell you, I sure was sleepy on the drive home but toughed it out and got us back safe and sound.  Talk about wasted and hungry yesterday!  Whew!  Long, long day.

Dave did 1:03:33 – that’s one hour, three minutes and 33 seconds.  A very, very respectable time.  Especially considering the heat, humidity, wind and the fact that it was a different/tougher course than last year.  In fact, he shaved three seconds off his time from 2008 this year. 

After settling in back home, Dave was off to the market for some beer, the first since in training for the TT.  Whoohoo!  He certainly deserves it!

We enjoyed some snooker last evening and are taking it easy today and tomorrow before being back at work on Tuesday.

I’m so proud of you, honey, and honored to be your support team at races.  You are such a warrior, such a cyclist, such a husband and partner!  You sure do have a BraveHeart!

Peace, all!

Dog Days?  The Dog Days of Summer?  It’s too damn hot for even the dog to enjoy these days.

We’ve had so many consecutive days of triple-digit temperatures I’ve lost count.

Even as a native Texan, this has been the most miserable summer I have experienced. 

Dry and energy-draining hot.

Baby-dog stays indoors most of the time.  I miss our evening walks around the facility together, but it’s still too hot to do that even in the later evening.

A customer comes in the office and I ask, “How are you today?”  The responses are quite often “Hot” or “Waiting for October.”

We did have a nice outing over the Fourth of July weekend, taking our rig back up to Rusk for a few days and enjoying the company of Cousin Kenny and Janna and Terry.  Dave and I also enjoyed refreshing dips in the pool at the campground!

We’re working nonstop pretty much July and August while our relief person is on vacation out of the country.  We have off this coming weekend and then will be working straight through until the first week of September.  We figured we might as well work and make the extra money…it’s too hot to do much else. 

October and November will see us back on the road a bit, taking vacation with three nice trips planned here in Texas.  Two of those are centered around bike events, one being the LiveSTRONG Challenge in Dripping Springs and the Tour de Gruene near New Braunfels.  We’ll be spending a week around Thanksgiving back in Rusk.  We really like that area – the cycling, the KOA where we camp, all the trees and the opportunity to spend time with Terry and Janna.

We’ve invited Ian and Rose over from Scotland and we are hoping they will come during that Thanksgiving time to share camping with us. 

Listening to “Me In Honey” by R.E.M.  They do have a unique sound.

Talks for dropping by.  Hope wherever you are it’s cool!

The day after returning from Glencoe, Saturday, was a full one.  Ian and Rose had spent the night with us in our flat at The Knight Residence.  We certainly enjoyed having a larger flat this time with a second bedroom which served nicely for overnight guests.  It was good to have extended time with family. 

Dave was up first, departing early for Dunfermline and a ride with his former cycling club.  Cheers to Ian Condie for arranging a bike and all else for Dave!  Quite the gentleman, Ian.  So thanks!  I was up shortly after Dave left, with Ian and Rose following soon after.  After a simple breakfast in the flat, Ian headed back home to Dunfermline and Rose and I embarked on our “girlie day.”  Our first stop was the hair salon, where I had my hair braided and Rose had her lovely Irish curls straightened for our evening at the Pitbauchlie House Hotel Pub.  We prowled some shops as girls do together and headed to Shakespeare’s for lunch.  Whoa!  It was a futbol weekend (um…seems like every weekend in Scotland is a futbol (think soccer in America) weekend…), so the place was teeming…mostly with guys.  We found a cozy table for two tucked away by a corner and had a nice, if not boisterous, lunch.  The afternoon saw us headed to a spa for massages and manicures.  Of course, it was raining (I hear it can be very nice in Scotland in May), so we opted for a taxi from TKR to the train station.  The ride from Edinburgh to Dunfermline was my one train trip this time…I do so love riding the trains in Scotland.  So relaxing…such a nice way to see the countryside…and I love the female voice on the train speakers…”This train is for Rosyth.”  “Mind the gap.”  Next time I am going to get a t-shirt emblazoned with “Mind the gap.”  Gotta love it!

I digress.  Once in Dunfermline, we took a taxi to the Pitbauchlie House Hotel, where friends of Dave’s were meeting us later in the pub and where Dave and I were spending the night.  While Rose and I were out “getting gorgeous” for the evening, Dave had done his ride with the DCC, checked into the Pitbauchlie for a shower and change of clothes, and then was off with Ian to a futbol match.  There’s futbol again…go figure.  Shortly after Rose and I arrived at the “Pit,” Dave returned, Ian showed up, and the evening was kicked off.  Paul had a previous engagement, so he was not there with us, but I so enjoyed Ian and Rose’s company and watching Dave have such a good time with his mates.  Whew!  What a night!  As we have done in the past, we closed down the pub.

After breakfast the next morning, Dave and I checked out of the Pitbauchlie and drove to Aberdour and the cemetery there were our wee dear Chloe Rose rests.  We took flowers to her gravesite and spent a while there with her.  It was an emotional time…so bittersweet, saying hello and good-bye in one visit to the wee baby girl we will never meet in this life.  Aberdour Cemetery is so very tranquil and beautiful.  Chloe rests on a hillside and I cannot think of a more peaceful and lovely place for her.  Well done, Rose and Ian, for selecting this spot. 

Saying farewell, Dave and I ventured into the village of Aberdour to spend some time before meeting up with the rest of the family later in the day.  We walked the grounds of Aberdour Castle and the streets of the village, stopping at one point to watch lawn bowling. 

Back to Dunfermline and Ian and Rose’s new home, we met our wee grandson Fionn in person for the first time!  I know I am probably prejudiced, but he sure is a cutie!  He was a bit shy with Dave aka “Grandpa” at first, but soon they were playing together and getting to know one another upstairs in Fionn’s room.  Back downstairs, Ian put on some music in hopes Fionn would “dance” for us.  I was honored with my “first dance” with the little lad, his small hands holding tight to mine.  He slowed down and became almost transfixed, much to the amusement of everyone.  Hmmmm…could he feel the Reiki I was sending?  One likes to think so.  At any rate, it was fun bonding a bit with this newest member of the Barnes clan.  I tell ya what, looking at the photos of myself with him, I ask, “Wow, who’s that old lady?”  HA!

With the rain teeming down, we headed to Anstruther on this Sunday for some fish and chips.  Yum!  Paul rode with us in our rental, following the young Barnes family ahead of us in Dave’s old car.  He had left the Citroen there for the lads when he came across to the States, and it has come in handy for this growing family of Ian, Rose and Fionn.

By the time we reached the harbor of Anstruther, the rain had disappeared and it was becoming a rather nice afternoon/evening.  Dave and Paul ducked into the chip shop to procure meals for us all.  The queue into the shop was not too bad when they entered; however, as time passed, the line of people continued to grow and grow…Ian, Rose and I pondered what had happened to them!  You saw folks going into the shop but never could really see anyone coming out.  We saw other folks strolling by with food but never actually saw anyone coming out of the shop with food….hmmmm…We joked that perhaps they were exiting the shop a mile up the road….no, wait!  There they are!  Finally!  Yum, fish and chips Scotland-style, eating right out of the paper bag sitting on the benches at the harbor in Anstruther. 

After all had eaten, we sat for a while watching Fionn and watching people, and watching Fionn take in the sights and sounds.  Paul and Ian strolled off, seemingly on a mission of some sort.  Soon it was revealed that they had gone for ice cream!  Dave and I ducked into the ice cream shop and got dishes and cones for ourselves, Rose and Fionn.  That led to more amusement…watching Fionn consume his dish of ice cream.

Truly a pleasant afternoon spent with family.  My family.  These days are odd…my family in the States seems to be dwindling, while my family in Scotland continues to grow.  Recently I sometimes feel as if I am “freefalling” without the close relatives I once had…but then I look at the photos taken during this trip and see that I do have family.  There is geographic distance between us, but there is no distance to the affection I have for them all and for that which I feel from them.  I am so very blessed.

The afternoon was fading, so we bade farewell to the “young folks” and headed back to Edinburgh in our wee rental, just Dave and I, just “the old folks.”  Once back in our cozy flat, we spent a relaxing evening enjoying our surroundings, enjoying being in Edinburgh, and enjoying each other.